exams..................

harlow... today first paper.. english and social studies. i can just stand up and say i did my best. so... if i do badly.... oh well..... at least english i really tried.. social studies.. just didnt study enough.. and dont really know how to answer source-based questions...

hmmmm so last week.. didnt really study... feeling guilty.. when there's a lot of time.. you'll tend to waste it.. sigh.......... and yesterday sucked.. mrs lim "praised" me.. "slip shot".. or how you spell it... aiya.... and i failed freaking chemistry test... kinda demoralising.. although i have been failing all the time.. but it seems different now.... and............... people around me seems so.... hmmmmmm.. critical.. aiya.. crap.. people dont have nice impressions of me.... i guess... it hurts most when it's your closer friends... but... do i have to care? no right? and when people read this.... all kinds of thoughts.... aiya.........

weather's so hot. i just wish to go out alone. at night. ride a bike. catch a movie. or go to the beach with somebody. go to town. esplanade. find a big big field and just lie on it. a companion. what i lack.

the fault is with me... i'm always the one upsetting people first. pissing them off. why?

today's composition.. i wrote on perseverance.. i kinda like it. hahahaha.. nah but i dont really have a good command of the language... just reading this, you'll find errors...

why am i always thinking of the negative sides?

okay.. let me see.. any good things happening in my life...

argh.. come on, compare myself with others.... i'm just doing FINE.

so...... yeah....... snap out of it.

looking forward to the end of the exams... haha... take a bit of break.. then start studying for chinese o's.. then june holidays... really really focus. and visit band!! school reopens... july.. august.. september.. october.. that's it. that's all. 2 weeks to decide where i go in the future... and i wont go ANYWHERE if i dont start working now...... teachers are really disappointed with us.... feeling guilty.. they already told me i can do it. so prove it!!! sigh... just so difficult to push myself...

cant find comfort in anything. maybe my dad. maybe some of my friends. maybe the piano. the radio.. the tv.

and i have switched my sleeping place to my sister's room.. haha.. it's good. my room's in a real mess... but i dont really care....

my mum's busy with gavin... please please please let things work out for her????? her 'clutch mentality'... sigh...

just suffer a bit now okay???

but you know...

sometimes i just cant stand you.

just so..............

irritating.

argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



























you make me wanna cry.

Memories... Dreams.. Reflections...

hey... sunday.. 5th easter week. went to church. catechism. mass. God, forgive me. i didnt give you my full concentration.. sigh...... what's the point... not listening.. letting my thoughts sway...

today was kinda....... good? i studied. social studies.. i wrote.. let me see.. quite a number of pages of notes.. i hope it helps.. was with tsz ho... then he went for tuition.. i sat in burger king alone.. haha.. funny thing happened.. this group of 4.. sat down outside.. directly beside me.. they looked at me and started laughing... erm...... haha.. guess i was weird... they left and waved bye to me.. wah........ anyway one of guys was cute. hahahha...

bought some pens.. and now home.. still have homework left..

and i'm worried......... for chinese o's.... i'm not gonna get good grades.. for sure. sigh.

some traps i should not fall into... erm okay not the love part. i just thought i was becoming more selfish.. more insensitive.. the apathetic part still remains.. i'm not caring. oh man.. i dont want to be. i dont want to be shaped into that kind of person.

Father, lead me on the right path.

fiendish world.

another week is gone!! sigh. friday first paper.. english. social studies. this weekend.. gotta do something.. REALLY revise.. this week was like homework homework.. no time to revise.. have also didnt make use of it.. have been sleeping on the sofa for two nights. my room is like not mine anymore.. life is like.......... in a mess.. ahhhhh whatever.. being typical irritating person.. haha...

some teachers really rock. wouldnt it be great if i could do them proud. aiya.. studying rocks. nothing in life can be as easy as that.

i must be independent!!!!!!! nothing can pull me down!!!!!!!!!!

anthony........... rocks!

hahaha.. american idol! anthony is so so so so so cute!

and vonzell and anwar..

oh!!! and constantine!!

haha...

today they had band.. wanted to go.. but..... must resist the temptation.. i miss band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm so fed up.. so hot.. so irritated. so noisy..

can i not come home.............

lots of friends who are able to be stay out with me...............

aiya.. sarcasm..

irritating..

poor communication skills.

haha. whatever.

the only nice and right time to study at home is at....... 11pm... when only the ghosts are awake... and by then......... so sleepy..... study what shit................... revise what shit...........

what's with me.............

what's with my dad.... coming home late every night....

and MOTHER you dont have to insult my dad............ you know how fucked up that sounds.... call yourself great....... just because you didnt leave your daughters........

what the fuck?

friends.

family.

studies.

all suuuuuuuuuuccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.















ahhhhh..... this entry is crap..

i know.. i'm the selfish one.

argh!

haha.. so it didnt hurt like fuck man. talk to my hand! sigh!

it's alright. i'm open to anything. shoot me!

raining cats and dogs. phew. and i'm all alone at home! yipee! until like tonight? i need to go out. maybe i'll watch movie or something... life now rocks! nothing to worry about except studies!

ha... what life....

my homework.. still a lot left.. and revision for midyear exams not done yet... save me!!!! wake me up!!!!

aiya.. whatever.. just too many distractions...

i

don't

have

to

bother.

apathy... haha..

to love means to get hurt later.

haha.. richalynn.. dont be stupid...

yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo bla.. yo bla.. yo bla yo bla bla.. yo yo yo yo i'm bla...

errrrrrrr.. haha.. composed by our dearest and corniest jia xin... aiya the corniest is melvin..

count down to mid year exams.. 12 days...

OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no more band.. no more prefect..

harlow! hahaha.. first good news.. bbss band got silver.. but the happiest thing.. mr goh and miss ngiam are darn proud of us all... and to them we are a gold band.. mr goh actually cried on that day! saying this was the best syf he had been through.. and this batch is the one he had been through most with.. and we did an excellent job.. his words touched many of our hearts... haha.. he's the best conductor ever... so... congratulations BBSS Concert Band. and now the sec 4s are formally out of the band... feel so sad i wanna be in the band forever! haha... will miss the people there.. will miss my trombone.. will miss mr goh and miss ngiam.. will miss playing music.. will miss everything!

and yesterday had the prefects' investiture.. the 9th board has stepped down.. and now it is the 10th board's turn to lead... congrats magdelyne.. and lee han and chen chuan.. haha.. sure they'll do well..

now i'm free from all school stuffs.. and is all study study study!! had chinese oral today.. and it totally sucked.. sigh..... i cant phrase my sentences properly.. and i dont know what a sign board is in chinese... sigh! and... caught by mdm yaw and mr quek and mr latiff for sleeping in class... let me just say... i dont sleep when they're teaching! haha... i find the right time okay.... but.. yeah.. i shouldnt slack even a bit.. kinda stress now with hw and revision to do.. mid year's like in 2 weeks time.. i have not started revising yet... and a whole lot of sec 3's work.. need to refresh some memory... sigh.. time time time! yeah but i'm wasting it now... sigh. what's with me????????? i'm so tired all the time... sigh.

what the fuck.

and sean's leaving again on friday... sad.

Bar 67.

that one bar number that i'm gonna remember for life. haha. anyway.. how the trombones are gonna play from there will more or less affect our errr.. reward.

so today we had our full dress rehearsal.. was fine... actually we did okay only.. sigh.. bad sign.. but... i heard the recording.. it was not bad.. compared to the real version.. just lack the intonation and feeling.. i think.. haha...

monday is the day.. the big day for us.. one memorable day....... all we can do is to do our best.. just have that 15 minutes of full concentration.. and yeah.. we'll reap what we sow. miss ngiam's the sweetest teacher!! i really thank her a lot. " in my heart, you are gold".. awww man......... haha... just pray that we will not her down in any way.. and mr goh too.. one man that i look up to.. one of the adults who really really know what life is. errr i'm kinda talking crap am i? haha.. i feel sad... cause monday's the last day.. 11th april 2005.. i dont wanna leave band.. also thanks a couple of juniors who actually thought of me.. haha.. how nice when people come into your lives and leave footprints..

some suckers........... argh! told me you like me.. all so sweet and nice.. you're my everything.. champion.. whatever! CORNY. and now? telling me to shut up and wanna insult my looks.. bloody hypocrite!!! fuck off. pissing me off with your existence.

this world of hypocrites.

said you hate band and now you're crying.. said they suck and now you're with them.

oh cut it. i better not make any enemies. just stop bad-mouthing other peole. no matter how irritating it gets.

admit it. i'm no where better.

hate me all you want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha... i need some sleep before doing my work.

syf syf syf syf syf syf...

haha.. syf pressure... it's really a big thing.. for me.. for us sec 4s.. for mr goh.. for the school.. i really really really pray pray pray real hard!!! that we can get at least a silver!!! i mean.. it's achievable.. and... some teachers actually think we can do very well... and mr goh said the school has very high expectations of us... and for the band personally... a thing to be real proud of... a reputation.. haha.. go in.. give our best shot.. come out with no regrets.. and a legacy left. how nice a vision........... haha... well.. i believe.

anyway it's thursday... had lessons... 2 tests that i did badly as usual... then had chemistry practical after school... didnt go to sean's house in the end... so went up to the band room and practised... nothing much.. was kinda crappy.. then went to eat with laa.. jx.. and mathangi.. we rock! haha.. found out some truths... i'm apathetic and only care about myself and is rude... okay.. i get it. i'll try to be better okay? it sucks when people think of you that way... it sucks when your better friends always try to change the way you are. oh whatever. crap...

anyway after that went up to MC.. rocked also.. saw jeremy there.. played piano and stuff.. chatted with him.. the four of us.. asked him stuffs and stuffs.. have always been missing the times i had with the MC peeps.. sean, hua qian, jeremy, daniel, medeline, angeline, weida.. and some others.. fun times.... although i wasnt the.. you know.... thought of. haha. my self esteem.................. the friends forever thing.. i hope it still stands..

and zul.. hahaha.. rocks with him sitting in front of me in class..

gonna be the last weekend to enjoy... saturday last formal band practice. monday last performance with bbss concert band.. sad sad sad... i will miss the band.. my trombone mates.. deyong.. hahaha.. best junior.. must do me proud okay... haha...... errrr i'm talking to myself. and the other 2 bryant and venessa.. next generation.. wish them all the best. haha...

next tuesday onwards...... study!!! sigh........ but one stupid thing.... my house..... it sucks... my mum is not gonna leave by june. my room is gonna be occupied until forever. i can never have peace.. alone. my room is so............ infested... oh my i'm so evil.....

oh yeah... first time in my life.. my composition was well written and mr latiff printed it for the whole class to see.. what a compliment. somebody wants to insist that he thought of the points for me.. and his english is wayyyyyyyyyyy better.. haha. so be it. want me to thank you or something? haha..

hmmmmmm... not much homework lately...... tomorrow's friday... so no need for early sleep.. gonna try my best and study? oh please.

people from broken families are selfish and only care about themselves... ha.

give me a break.

hey there..... hahaha...

aiya.. just come straight to the point. i feel real sucky now... i dont know whether it's with me or... yeah.. my friends.. my family.. some stuff... sigh... just really sucked today. petty? me? yeah... i'm too sensitive. but i think it's too much already okay.... sigh....... but it doesnt matter now... i dont care.

actually i dont really have any big problems... so i can just shut up and never complain. let it be.. let it be.. let it be.. haha..

my own wishful thinking.. is that the correct word? haha.. ya my english sucks. dont have to rub it in.

syf's in 5 days time... 3 practices left.. pray that nobody falls ill or something..

i'm nervous about it. yeah. would be worst on the day itself. or worse? haha.. i believe the band can do it.

hmmmmmmm... vulgarities.. sarcasm.. gossips.. complaints.. girly screams..

IRRITATING.

sigh...........


















































love.

ha.